IN CONCLUSION,

Author’s Note

I gave myself ten days to grieve an unrequited love situation, and In Conclusion, was born. The girl I loved was going on vacation for almost two weeks, and I did not want to bother her. I had a feeling she would also see the person she loved (not me), and my intuition was right. While my mind was spiraling, ironically, I could not stop rhyming.

I include the dates and times of all six entries to show how quick the entire process was. “are you in love with me?” does not mimic my style of poetry, so it’s a contradictory introduction to my art. I keep it because it is a gentle transition from Duality, my first project, which was all composed of journal entries. Though Duality isn’t on this website, it’s important to see In Conclusion, as a pivotal addition to it (e.g. Lady Gaga’s The Fame Monster to The Fame). In Conclusion, marks the official end of my adolescence, which was all comprehensively reviewed in Duality.

Deep down, I knew this project was not enough to move forward from my unrequited love, but I think it is the perfect snapshot of where my mind was at the time. My feelings toward her were so volatile. It is, truly, not until Lessons where the reader can feel a form of resolution.

“are you in love with me?”

i don’t know.
i feel like people could see the way i look at you, the way i think of you, the way i talk about you, and clearly conclude that i am head over heels in love with you. 

i crave dancing with you more than i want your touch again. 

i know that if you reciprocated my feelings, i would fall for you easily. 
it’s what makes me hesitant about saying yes to your question. 
i have so much more space to fall into. so much more that i need to get to know of you. so many more times to choose you, and only you: having the opportunity to be exclusively committed to you. 

i’ve loved you as a human for a long time. 

it doesn’t hurt when i’m with you. 
the pain comes when i’m by myself, not with you. 
i feel longing, yes. but, it doesn’t stop me from being there for you as the friend that you deserve.

my romantic feelings will eventually subside, as you will never feel for me in that way. 

but, the way that i believe in you, the way that i root for your success, the way that i love you for you, that will never dissolve. 

                      written on 10/19/20 ~ 11pm

San Francisco

it became the symbol of our end.
it's my favorite place to think about before bed.
tell me that love is eternal.
tell me that love is enough.
tell me it's all that you want.

i’m not holding you back.
i only held you in the night.
the daytime never solidified our love.
we closed the curtains every time.

but, San Francisco changed that.
i saw you be free in that sunset light.
fleeting, not enough to mourn. 

we transitioned to the comfortable place of darkness.
darkness that feeds our familiar love.

you don't know me either,
and maybe that's more hope than fear. 
hope that there's more to know. more to fall for.
you haven't even slipped yet.

meanwhile, i'm lying down.
your gravity pulling me toward the ground.
not just your body: your dreams too. 
you tell me about them, and i feel like i'm the only one.
does she know them, like i do?

                      written on 10/22/20 ~ 1am

wake up and sleep next to her

you really got it good
the way she fucked me 
wanting it to be you

get your shit together

either way it doesn't matter
she’s gonna love you like this forever

i'm not even a choice
why even bother?

when you finally wake up 
and you sleep next to her
just know that a heart broke
before she took yours

sign your name next to hers
you're not the first to hold her before the sunlight bursts

we broke the bed but i ripped my dignity
fell in love without reciprocity 

can’t say i didn't see it coming
you broke her heart and she tore my clothes 

                      written on 10/22/20 ~ 8:40pm

in conclusion,

maybe our love was running through my mind.
maybe i thought i could change the line:
to say i'm in love with you,
but it doesn't hurt.
should've known it was just a hidden curse.

i can't control how i feel.
don't leave me. i'm trying to heal.
hiding lies up on the ceiling.
don't look up. don't make it easy.

maybe i'll never get over you.
but, i gotta conclude.

i've confessed,
i've undressed,
and i've stressed.
don't wanna recluse,
i’m making space to move.

in conclusion, i love you
and sometimes i want you.
but, i love you without an agenda.

i think you feel that when I send myself back. 

years pass, and we can't relax.
i wish you'd get a break and the things you lack.
and i say this because my love still lasts. 
you know it's infinite. it's become a fact.

                      written on 10/23/20 ~ 11am

selfish

i feel inadequate,
and i'm far from over it.

maybe this is what life's about:
learning to love, even if you doubt
a person's true intentions.
people walk into love with projections.

i love you,
but i can't soothe.
the ache in your heart.
for her. your hurt. 

find me here.
alone in fear
that i'll never love again
without you
in my head.

i could keep you alive,
make you my muse,
say it's alright.
make it just about you. 
let my heart run loose.

but, it's not romantic
if you don't want it.
and i, i won’t be selfish.

                      written on 10/29/20 ~ 2:30pm

you know me

i lie in bed with you.
maybe we should call a truce.
remember when i sacrificed this mattress?
made you think you couldn't have it.

done a lot in the name of love.
yet, with you, i think i front too much.
make you feel good,
buy what you want,
but it's never enough.

i wanna say that you know me:
digging these feelings for every story.
but then you remind me,
in the end,
there's no love 
just words sent.

what's the point of any of this?
if i don't have you,
baby that's not it.
you trust my ability
but you're still
not happy.

it's time to go
to things you've never known.
a love that's solid, no apologies.
one that's real, somewhere to breathe.

remember when we sacrificed the mattress?
left us hurt and backless.
now i hear your voice. you're heard.
and i'm going to get you what you deserve.

                      written on 10/30/20 ~ 2:40am