LESSONS

Author’s Note

I finished this project while dabbling into my next two eras. I knew Lessons was going to be dark since pre-production. Every visual to it has a gloomy color palette. There is no sunlight or rainbows in articulating the lesson of unreciprocated love, if that’s what you would even call it. The second to last stanza of “I Remember When You Were Nicer” explains it enough. I didn’t know anything. I just felt it.

But, Lessons, is also way more than just an additional look into the love from the last two projects. It reflects on my tumultuous year where I was almost murdered, had my heart shattered, relapsed, and worked myself into burnout.

Divine Intervention

What did you teach me?
I approach the end,
only more longing to be dead.
There’s so much that you don’t see.

Wish I could escape.
Divine intervention, bring me faith.
Accepting a love I think I deserve,
disappointed when it’s not with who I yearn.

I can’t settle when it comes to myself.
My impossible standards are always upheld.
I’m constantly changing, but can anyone tell?

Infidelity when I trust my intuition. 
Self-compassion dies before fruition.

I loved before I felt it for myself.
Now, I’m in this barren hell.
Wondering if I’ll ever feel peace.
I just need release.

May

I can’t tell you why I woke up with this.
Maybe the alcohol made it to my brain,
broke my regulation, 
so I could ruin my reputation.

Tattoos get bigger with every heartbreak.
Approved pain to my name.

Chosen scars, invisible hearts:
I carry the people I lost in parts.
The artists they suggested.
The moments they regretted.
My brain forgets who lived it.

Haunted by them,
as I mourn the loss of the present before me.
I realized I was never there.
The ghosts were too much to bear.
 
Why did they have to leave?
No therapy can fix the feeling.
Being on the verge of tears in a public place.
Staying numb in a safe space.

And it’s already May.
I think I’m too late.

Carried

Lifted across the waters.
Centuries of science in a pill.
Taken everyday, around midday
to feel:
A will to live,
a reason to bring
what I can to interactions
deemed important before everything happened.
Traditions stay when I’m clearly not okay.
Reform becomes horror.
Can’t stand the change.

There’s a lot I missed when I was drowning:
The beauty of the sea underneath my lifted feet
when I finally surrendered to a higher power.

I’m so exhausted.
Been swimming since I was found haunted.
Haunted by the memories of you.
Treading on your favorite shade of blue.

Would it better if I had your love?
Lost all the ways I’ve been carried in the mud.
It’s not your fault my life fell apart.
Would it really feel much better if you chose us?
Why does it feel like I need one or the other?
You and stability feels like an impossible offer.

There’s no happiness for me anywhere.
There’s no peace for me in the choices I’m given.

I feel carried.
But, sometimes, I wish I could just be held by you.
Still drowning, but at least touched in all ways through you.

And I don’t know why.
I know better. I can’t lie.
I love you forever,
but I have to say goodbye.
Never to you but to my feelings.
Need more gratitude for my breathing.

angels, interlude

Butterflies to my name.
I see crowns when I pray.
Every time I see your face, I’m reminded I’ll be okay.

I got these angels surrounding me.
I keep breathing through all your energy.
Why am I in this place
when heaven looks over my space?

I gained what made me
when I was placed in this family.
I didn’t have to be blood
to change the way we loved.

Butterflies to my name.
I see crowns when I pray.
Every time I see your face, I’m reminded that I’m okay.


I was never left behind.
You were always on time.
There were seasons I didn’t cry,
but you still held me through the night.

All I Have Is You Again

Starting over in my bed.
I feel nothing in my chest.
My throat gasps for air after every tear.
I don’t want opinions.
I don’t want you near.

I want it all to myself.
I don’t want anyone.
Because if I hear one more suggestion I’ve known,
but can’t explore,
I might explode.

If I die on purpose, I cause you pain.
If I leave, you’ll forget my name.

And if I attempt, you’ll never talk to me again.
I’ll be a cautionary tale in everyone’s head.

I promise you
just have to drive back and stay the night.
But you don’t need me.
Your brain is not broken like mine.
I’m so sorry.
From a terminal disease, I wish I could die.

An unblameable death based on meaningless chance:
It’s my way to escape the love I have.
And if I truly love you, shouldn’t I be able to move on?
I feel guilt from loving you too much.

I Remember When You Were Nicer

you were tender.
you actually wanted me to feel good.
now, it just feels like you’ll take any mood
that isn’t upheaval.

did you ever think about how
I would process this with all of my loss?
i was always kind to you.
no matter what you were missing, I gave all my truth.

and now i’m an effaced fool.
did I ever become someone you’d choose?
all of the faces I tried.
I died so many times.
attended my own funerals:
here lies all the versions you still couldn’t love.

and it doesn’t matter.
there’s no wisdom in the scatter.

do you know what you want?
I must be something wrong.
I wish I was enough
for your heart to feel it all along.

but the truth is, you never saw me that way.
I was just a body:
a vessel that you could touch her through.

did she feel me?

is that why she disagreed?
I guess my energy is that loud.
being used, I don’t keep myself down.

truth is, i don’t know the difference between
love,
loyalty,
and attachment.

all i know is that i feel pain
when i choose you everyday.
but it’s erased
every time i hear your name.

Success

Inundate myself with dopamine.
Sleep when I don’t care to breathe.

I’ve bought so many things,
found myself every eve,
just so I can feel a high
because I don’t want to fight
for my everyday life.

I want to leave.
I want to throw everything away.
Yet, I keep buying more.
I keep consuming as if I’m bored.

There’s an entire war in my mind,
but my presence can be so bright

Do I feel empty or do I feel guilty?
Do I feel purposeless or perfect?
Which will I choose today?

Will I thank the universe for all its chances?
Or fall into a depressive trance?

Sometimes I don’t know what I’m healing from 
when I made the right choice yet still feel undone.
When I failed to fight for myself, but still got what I want.

Broken Body

Sin:
I sit before you,
on you,
and I don’t feel a thing.

Why am I here?
Is the end near?
I hear your pleasure,
and I’m just flying farther away from
this encounter.

You took away every ounce of desire I had left in me,
and yet, I’m the one that feels guilty.

I got a broken body.
Don’t want nobody
unless it’s her.
I’m left with no worth.

I want my body back.
I want to hold her hand.
I want to feel like the pain
is going to stop and I’ll never 
have to pretend again.

I’m not here.
Far away, nothing is clear.
It’s worse because I could have said no.
I’ve experienced
the other side
when that wasn’t enough.

Consensual but not wanted.
Compulsory standards made me believe
it was natural, everything that happened.

What’s natural about wanting to die
at a peak in my life?