THAT WAS A MISTAKE.

Author’s Note

This era, accidentally, turned into all about my unrequited love. Looking back, I hate that there was nothing more I could write about. She traveled out of the country for over 2 months this time and the distance led me to further reflection. “Cold” and “Died Tonight” are first times I ever wrote a poem thinking in song form.

that was a mistake. speaks for itself. I loved and tried to get over it, but I couldn’t. In theory, that was the mistake. The world supposedly says you can control your thoughts. I became a mentally ill archetype. I kept my distance and stayed silent, but it still was not enough. It eventually stopped a year later when she found someone more, and I ethically exited.

Change My Plans

God’s on the side where you’re not by mine.
Never thought I could hear the bells.
Can’t believe I actually fell
for those eyes with a spark of gold,
for those moods that can be so cold.

Stress you out with my questions.
Ground you with my presence.
Know what you need before you think it.
Know not to bother when you’ve just awaken.

Crave the passion in your eyes.
Wish I could keep them that way, but I can’t lie.
Hear the church bells, but I can’t go in.
Wish looking at you didn’t mean living in sin.

One of many in love with you,
no one should feel entitled to have you.

Exhausting, jumping from pedestal to pedestal.
Living in our heads, unforgettable.
You’re happy in uncertainty.
No one expects anything.
You come home and you’re reminded of your ways:
Coping mechanisms to subside the unbearable weight.

Your 3am desires say it all.
You don’t want me to let go when I should take off.

The pedestal collapsed a while ago.
Yet, I still want you, more than you know.
I don’t say anything. Is that not fair?
Or is it selfless love, my heart to spare?

When I move on, will someone love me that true?
The way I stood by your side all the way through.
I have questions with no logical roots.
I have answers that only end with “I do.”

She

She’s still herself when she’s half-asleep.
Nothing involved, just haze and peace.
She can’t complete me, but maybe my day.
Every time I’m with her, just let me pass away.

Staying up late across the bed
Beyond time zones, I am led.
She can’t revive me, but maybe my senses.
All her inflections, I can’t help but listen.

Whether the sun or moon rises, she is honest.
She tells me she cares. I won't believe less.
She can’t hold me, but maybe my chest,
because the feeling in my heart never left.

Let me stay in the divine,
even just the intricacies of her mind. 
She can’t love me, but maybe another life.
I’ve loved her across time, before first sight.

Unlived Memory

my therapist told me to feel it all.
how could i heal if i deny the fall?

i wish that was me,
but i can't give the same thing.
you know exactly who i am:
what the stars say and what life gave. 

the truth is, i had to lie to myself 
to continue to be held.
and when it all ended,
i was confronted with the truth
that a part of me has been in love with you.

and it was hard to realize
because if i lost you, 
i don't know how i'd move on.

i cried silently on my way back home.
a constant stream of tears falling down my cheeks.
uncaught because i felt like i was drowning in my seat.
my body underwater: unwanted, broken, unseen.

i wish she was me.

and i don't have to tell you everything i'd do
you can only imagine what's pent up in my heart if i could just love you
i can't even think about it
because it's something so sacred locked up in a safe tucked away for another life's day
wouldn't even give it to my soulmate
the way i would love you is an unlived memory i wish i could erase

but i don't.
how could i heal if i deny the fall?
i am so in love with you.
i wish you knew.
not to hurt you,
but so you could know how much you are loved without changing who you are.

Your Love

you were by my side and i ignored my life.
you’re more than an escape.
wish everyone knew why.
i loved you at first sight,
backed away when i wasn’t who you liked,
stayed friends when our sun rose at different times.

there you were again: 
two years later
on my bed.
the kiss had history when nothing happened back then.

you called my name.
i let you in.
your voice is still lingering
in my head.
don't be afraid that your love overthrows my brain. 
the chemicals just don't work the same.

you feel it when i say i miss you too.
never to hold you back.
a reciprocated flattery
but burdening reminder that i still want you 
like that. 

maybe something glitched.
and i'll never be normal again.
something about your love says that doesn't mean a thing.

i knew we were different from the start
but loving you is far from hard.
being with you would be a challenge
but you've taught me everything about balance. 
i would never be complacent with you.
we'd go to new places. each day something new.
and i would change my plans for you.
i'd give it all to be with you, again, under the moon. 

can't imagine a world where i don't want to be in your arms, exploring life beyond my walls.

Cold

I’m cold.
Can’t go over, you’re not here anymore.
Your nightmare’s a white picket fence.
Can’t give what you want, not even with my pen

The commitments broke.
Remembering how it was before.

Do you know you’re affectionate
when you kiss her in the same bed?
Do you know you reach out
when your body’s been touched all around?
Baby, burn with desire.
My tears take care of the fire.
Baby, burn with desire. 

Last night you told me you see me,
and you said it so easily.
How hard were you fucked
to mimic love?

You love my control 
when it doesn’t feel possessive.
You love the attention 
when it’s not suffocating.
You fucked her through me 
when I was hurting.
I trusted you, 
only used for yearning.

Do you know you’re affectionate
when you kiss her in the same bed?
Do you know you reach out
when your body’s been touched all around?

I don’t trust you.
Maybe that’s something new.
Seeing you in your truth, 
I prefer the lie. I’m such a fool.
Burn with desire.
My tears take care of the fire.
Burn with desire.
My tears take care of the fire.

I Remember

I remember when I could look at you as you played.
I remember when you called me baby on my birthday.

but at least we watch movies of what once was.
but at least we listen to songs of what I still want.

I remember when I gave without questioning my intentions.
I remember when you thanked me without feeling apprehension.

but at least we sleep on the same bed.
but at least you let me see your dread.

I remember when I hid what I wrote.
I remember when you didn't tell me who was there before.

now at least I show every entry about you.
now at least you share every way they wanted you.

I remember when I asked for secrets to exchange.
I remember when you changed my love language.

now at least we confess them in casual conversation.
now at least you spotlight every word of affirmation.

I remember when I wondered what you loved.
I remember when you wondered how much I felt.

then I spent a weekend with your family.
then I sobbed in your arms as you held me.

I remember when I could break free from a kiss.
I remember when you hugged me and I flinched.

then you realized you still loved someone else.
then you put your lips on my neck and loved my response. 

and even though I lost
the rush of your lust.
there’s so much we gained
in our parallel pain.
you were in love with her. I was in love with you.
at the end of the day, we felt like fools.

our friendship held me in the dark.
and that’ll keep me sane, even when you’re far.

maybe if I tell myself enough times,
I can look at you like I once did
without crossing a line with my eyes.

one more night, interlude

so much pressure to get better.
feelings changing like the weather.
it’s hard to get up in the day.
awake at night, I’m haunted as I lay.

I want one more night,
remembered for the rest of our lives.
even if it’s just for now,
I want to know I didn’t let you down.

I Knew I Was Dreaming

in my dreams, my body remembers how you touched me.
the pressure you put on your fingers.
the feeling lingers
deep in my subconscious.
I’ll never forget.

you actually wanted to kiss me.
it’s how I knew I was dreaming.

I’d wait for you forever,
if it was accepted.

I knew I was fucked when you asked to kiss me.
no one ever did that so sweetly.
asked for my consent, made it my moment.
even as lovers, you were a good friend.

I don’t really want to love again.
honestly, I feel more than dead.
but I don’t regret a second.
because, when I’m with you, I want to be present.

True Love

like withdrawing from a drug 
i lost my purpose when i lost a reason to love
like a piece of me shattered and cut out of my chest 

the remnants remaining 
scraping the edge of my gaping wound everytime i move

everytime i laugh, i think of you
everytime i cry, i think of you
everytime i'm left with a thought to myself, i think of you

one day, i'll get it right
i don't regret a day where i wanted you for life

i was so in love
i was so in love
i don't know why i'm not enough

you deserve the world
i wish i could've explored it with you
you saw my most vulnerable truths
and stayed as present as you could.

wound of would, interlude

Find me getting by with the broken eyes.
Saving my sighs for the night
when I fall asleep apart from you,
when I find myself still in love with you.

I know it’ll take time.
I can't rush it. I’ll be fine.

Making the right choice of letting you go,
yet I’m still so insecure that you’ll find someone more.
More than what I could’ve given you
if you just would've felt the way I felt for you.

Died Tonight

Everyday is something different.
Timelines change when I’m distant.
I still have so much to say.
My fear is being too late.

Our midnights don’t align.
The stars say we will be fine.
We played the part of lovers.
It made me start all over.

If I died tonight, you would've been the love of my life.
How could you say, 
how could you say,
it didn’t mean anything?
You gave me something no one could offer. 
I sacrificed everything on your altar.
How could you say,
how could you say,
it didn’t mean anything?

Maybe that's too honest.
I always tell the truth. I promised.
I’m still hurting. It’s not your fault.
Just don't worry because
I'm not in a hurry.
I can’t keep my conscience clear
when I still want you near.
I wish you the best
but I confess, you left me a fucking mess.

Falling into my bed,
your ghost is so imminent.
I can’t get any lower.
Your love made me start all over.

If I died tonight, you would've been the love of my life.
How could you say, 
how could you say,
it didn’t mean anything?

Gave me something no one offered.
I sacrificed everything on that altar.
How could you say,
how could you say,
it didn’t mean anything?

I wish I could explain, babe,
That I don’t obsess over fate.
But, if I got the last word,
I loved you with so much hurt.

And I would rewrite it
so you’d never notice
the love in my eyes
when I was by your side.
My love, I gotta start over.

If I died tonight, you would've been the love of my life.
How could you say, 
how could you say,
it didn’t mean anything?

You gave me something no one offered.
I sacrificed everything on your altar.
How could you say,
how could you say,
it didn’t mean anything?

How could you say?
How could you say?
It didn’t mean anything.